I thought I could control my eating, but it obviously backfired. I didn’t have the coping skills to deal with my feelings, especially the lows of a normal life. I used food as a vice to check out, numb out and escape.
In hindsight, that night was a blessing in my life. It was a turning point … but I didn’t know it at the time. After returning from a two-year stint in the Peace Corps, I was working as a graphic designer for a startup software company in Southern California. I had a deadline to meet on a major project the next day. I was scared of not meeting expectations and nervous about what my boss and peers would think of me and my work, so I tried to calm my stress levels by eating.
It was dark, and I was driving home from work, hands on the wheel, saying to myself, “Don’t stop at the store, Kerry. Don’t stop at the store.” I didn’t need groceries.
But where did I find myself when I pulled into my neighborhood? At the store, even though I knew better.
Going into the store, I repeated to myself, “This time, it’s going to be different.”
I grabbed a shopping cart, and as I walked up and down the aisles, I filled my cart with all of my favorite comfort foods. Of course, all the while I told myself that the groceries would last a couple weeks, like they would for any “normal” person.
Paying for the groceries, I continued to repeatedly tell myself that things would be different this time. Once home, I was unpacking the bags and putting the food away, and my hand found the peanut butter jar. After unscrewing the familiar blue lid, I peeled back the silver foil and grabbed a spoon. I convinced myself that I was going to take just one bite.
Yeah, right. I was hungry. After all, I hadn’t eaten all day.
One spoonful turned into two, two into three, and before I knew it, my spoon hit the bottom of the jar, and my heart broke.
Once again, I’d betrayed myself.
I quickly made my way down the hall to the bathroom, where my now too common cycle repeated itself of trying to purge out the food. I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror and saw shame and loathing in my eyes, looking back at me.
“What is wrong with me? What can’t I just get this right?”
But that night was different than all the rest.
After turning on myself with purging, I crumbled onto the cold, small square white tiles that covered the floor. There was an acidic taste in my mouth, and I was covered with a light film of sweat. My heart was racing so fast and hard that it scared me.
“Kerry, you’re killing yourself!”
I knew better and couldn’t claim ignorance as an excuse. The mother of a dear friend passed away from an eating disorder, because her organs failed, so I knew what could happen to me if I persisted in this self-abuse.
It was the first time I REALLY realized that it could happen to me, too. It stopped me in my tracks.
“Kerry, if you don’t turn this around, you are going to die.”
I was in a defining moment . . either find a way to get myself up off that bathroom floor and turn my life around, or I’d slowly kill myself if I continued this destructive bulimic behavior. I was terrified that I wouldn’t get the opportunity to live a full life, and I decided I had something to live for.
I wanted to live!
Today, I look back on that moment, and I am in shock and awe that I found my way out of that living hell. I have since dropped to my knees in massive gratitude for that moment, because it changed the trajectory of my life.
That night, I gained awareness that brought me to a place where I can share my story and help others who are experiencing similar anguish.
Their pain might not look exactly the way mine did, but they have their own version of it. It could be eating away at their soul right now.
Maybe it is eating away at your soul, too.
What if it’s one reason you are reading this book? Perhaps you manifested this book finding you, the information and tools it’s going to supply you with, and us doing it together.
I hope this book gets to be the journey back to YOU. Beautiful, miraculous, incredible you. You, as a powerful manifestor, who has called this book and this moment into your life, because on a soul level you know you are made for more. And although scared or perhaps confused about HOW to make it happen, you are ready for it.
It can be very easy to get caught up in all the reasons you CAN’T have the life that you want. But I want to bring awareness to the fact that there is a person on this planet right now who is living the life you want, so why not you?
I feel honored that I get to partner with you on this journey.
Now let’s dive in…
An Excerpt from Kerry’s International Best Selling Book: ONE THOUGHT AWAY: You are One Thought Away From Having Your Dream Life, or Not
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